Q: I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and I have noticed that he doesn’t have more than one or two friends. I tend to have a group of close women friends. Is this normal?
A: There is research that women’s biochemical wiring makes them more likely than men to seek out relationships with others. I tend to find this rather common with clients I have worked with and in my own life. Though both men and women release adrenaline and cortisol when under stress, scientists found that in order to buffer those stress chemicals, women’s brains release oxytocin, known as the love or cuddle hormone. This explains why women who are going through a difficult time are more apt to bond with other women or have a good long conversation with another girlfriend. Or they may feel drawn to care for their pets or children. Researchers call this behavior “Tending and befriending.” It is stimulated by oxytocin and in turn, creates more oxytocin. The more women tend and befriend, the more oxytocin is released, producing a calm influence further lowering their stress.
Men, on the other hand, don’t have the same biochemical response. According to researcher and author, Dr. John Gray, the author of Men are from Mars, and Women are From Venus, men release cortisol when stressed while lowering their dopamine and testosterone levels, causing frustration and depression. Dr. Gray states that men are biologically hardwired to seek out ways to stimulate the production of those Neirochemicals by problem-solving, taking action, and overcoming risk and danger rather than talking and taking care of others. The lower amount of oxytocin in their system makes them less interested in bonding with friends.
As you can see, so much of this is biochemical. Nothing wrong, just a better way to understand your strong bond with your friends, and your boyfriend may be perfectly content with his couple of friends. The key is to honor and respect each other for what works for each person.