Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?

Q: I am told that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable people and it seems as though I am. I cannot understand why because I want a soulmate. Can you tell me what I am doing wrong?

A: For a relationship to be a real authentic connection, he/she must be available and show up in the room for this to manifest. If this person is unavailable, then he/she is not your soulmate. It can be confusing at first because the chemistry can feel so strong. Because of this, you are likely to accept behavior you would never accept with friends.

WHY? Because you accept intensity as intimacy, when in fact it’s that mind-blowing, chances are this person is not your soul mate. So in the beginning, you can watch for who they truly are through observing their behavior.

Start by noticing any red flags. Believe me, if this person is not right for you they will show up and don’t ignore them as this is a fatal mistake.

These are just a few examples of unavailable partners who may seem great in the beginning, however, they wear masks so you don’t easily see their real self. Remember not to see what you want to see.

• Their words are not in alignment with their behavior
• There is a push-pull with their behavior
• They are inconsistent in their behavior; aloof/all over you, silent/totally talks about him/herself
• They are active alcoholics, substance abusers, sex addicts
• They give mixed messages, say they want to be with just you but they are not
• You are trying to understand what they really mean as it’s not what they say
• They are elusive, sneaky, secretive and you catch them in lies

This can be deceiving. I’m not saying you are intentionally drawn to or involved with these types of people. I would like for you to pay close attention to the signs of what these people exhibit. Some can be highly manipulative and you won’t see it initially. Unavailable people are playing out their own unconscious defense against trauma or some emotional wound from the past that has not been healed.

That is not your problem and you don’t want it. Pay attention to the flags so you don’t end up vulnerable to these types ever again. I would also advise that you talk with a professional to go deeper into why you are attracted to these types because there are reasons and how you can learn to break the cycle.