Q: I see that my young adult daughter is co-dependent with others. Can you better explain what that means and how I can help her to be more independent?
A: Codependency is a type of relational disorder in which one or both people display behaviors that are an unhealthy reliance on one another. A codependent individual may feel he/she is not worthy and relies on the other for dependence and support. While we all like to have support, it can get to a level where it does not serve the person who develops a codependence. It tends to be associated with low self-esteem which can equate to unhappiness.
Often someone will go to excessive extremes for someone in order not to be abandoned. It’s an unhealthy dependence on “I’ll do anything, just don’t leave me.” Often, codependency stems from households where there was abandonment or addiction. The person still has pain from the past and becomes dependent on others not to be left.
Some of the signs of codependency include:
- Needing constant approval from peers, family, or significant other
- Fearful of losing someone
- Inability to express emotions or feeling lack of trust in self and/or others
- Fear of being alone or abandoned
- Need to control others (out of fear)
- Addictive, Impulsive, or compulsive behavior
- Continuing to put others needs before your own
- Not setting healthy boundaries with others
There is such a thing as a healthy bond with friendships and relationships. It’s an interdependence where the friends, partners, and family members express and behave with healthy boundaries, honor, respect, and love.
It may be good for your daughter to talk with a professional to help her understand her codependency and how she can shift that into healthy relationships with others. A good therapist will help her explore her family of origin and why she has developed this. More importantly, your daughter can learn helpful tools to develop a healthier self-esteem and become more independent.