Q: My father is an 80-year old who takes the contrarian stance just about every time we have a discussion. It makes me resentful toward him and I don’t even want to talk to him anymore. He thinks he is right and refuses to listen to my stance. What do you suggest to avoid these constant conflicts?
A: It may be that your father doesn’t mean to be so argumentative, rather he may be uncomfortable with emotions and therefore not know how to express them. Perhaps you could assert yourself and tell your father you prefer to spend your time with him having healthy discussions rather than arguments. It will most likely have to be you to steer the conversations in the healthy direction you want them. Lead the conversation to one that is more conducive to what you want. It’s important to have a clear intention on how you want the conversation to go and maintain that vision.
It’s safe to assume that your father really wants to feel a closeness to you and being argumentative isn’t a healthy place to be. Be sure to take lots of deep breaths to calm you and don’t take the bait when he talks to you in the familiar contrary way. Then it is perfectly okay to say to him that you really do prefer to have a comfortable and pleasant conversation with him and you hope he can tell you more about A, B, and C….where the conversation is a specific request. By addressing the issue this way, you are standing up for yourself and addressing it in a healthy manner. Yet you are refraining from criticizing your father, which is a much healthier way to communicate. This is a caring and appropriate way to show your father you want to engage with him and you are giving him a healthy script for a healthier conversation now and for the future.