Q: I went through a painful divorce a few years ago and was betrayed. I am currently seeing someone whom I really like, yet I still have some feelings of mistrust. Is this normal?
A: Mistrust is a common phenomenon especially after trauma and betrayal in a relationship. There generally is a sense of loneliness and even some paranoia that can creep in. Yes, this is not only normal but common. Mistrust, otherwise known as pistanthrophobia, may not have started post-divorce. It could have started in your early childhood if you were betrayed or abandoned. The marriage just amplified your feelings of not trusting in subsequent relationships. Regardless of what happened, rebuilding trust takes time and risk. However, without risk, how will you grow from a new experience? Below are some suggestions on rebuilding trust:
- Begin to center yourself in a daily routine that includes extreme self-care. Once you begin to trust yourself and have a healthy sense of your optimal health and wellness, you will feel more comfortable in building trust. You may want to walk the same path, go to the same pilates class, go to familiar places. These steps will get you started in building trust. The person whom you like; the more you see him/her, the more you will pay attention and pick up on little nuances. This will help you begin to rebuild your trust.
- Relationships are given and take. Make sure if you give a little that you get a little (or more) in return. Refrain from doing all of the giving and setting up too high of expectations so you don’t end up disappointed. Take one step at a time and check-in with yourself and see how it feels.
- Take one step forward and make plans for future experiences. It’s important to have things to look forward to. Make some small plans for days or weeks ahead and as you continue to make an effort to see a foreseeable future, your trust will increase. Begin to set some goals that include action steps and watch your achievements one day at a time.
- Pay attention to red flags. What often gets us into trouble is ignoring the red flags that are there and we just plain turn our heads. Learn to recognize red flags in others and notice if what a person says and does is in alignment. I cannot stress this enough. It will prevent heartache.
- Believe you are worthy. In order to develop trust in others, make sure you feel worthy of them. You deserve to surround yourself with trustworthy people. Pay close attention and meanwhile make sure you believe you are worthy of these people. You are worthy of having your trust honored and respected. Take that leap of faith and always believe in yourself.