The Path to Forgiveness

When one has been betrayed, it can be very difficult to forgive. We go through grief, and one of the grief stages is anger. It’s normal to feel anger toward the individual who hurt you.

However, to carry that anger indefinitely is only hurting you. No, what was done by the betrayer was not fair, however, it was a part of a major life lesson for you to learn. If you carry this anger, it is asharmful for you as the betrayal was. 

This really has to be up to each individual what he/she feels is the best solution at any given time. There may be a one-time occurrence that warrants forgiveness. There may be several acts where you caught your partner in lies, therefore, you feel this is not repairable. It’s always good to attempt counseling. Individual and couples.

If one partner makes excuses not to go to counseling, then one cannot do it for two, and you have to question why they are making excuses not to go. Most likely, they don’t want to be called out on their wrong doing or they simply don’t want the relationship to continue. 

Below are some questions to explore before making a decision on forgiveness. One piece of caution, if you choose not to forgive, you are only hurting yourself.

• Is the person continuing this inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, or does he/she realize the hurt they have caused, and are they willing to change their behavior to be worthy of receiving your forgiveness?
• Is that person deserving of forgiveness and even want the forgiveness? If so, the person needs to see the hurt and betrayal as wrong, admit it, and have every intention to not further engage it the behavior.
• Did the person learn the lesson from this behavior and willing to stop or pursue it again?
• Do you know if this is typical behavior or a first time transgression? If you know this behavior occurred prior to you, it is likely it will happen again.
• Has the person accepted responsibility? If the person takes no accountability, it most likely will recur. 
• Was the behavior malicious and intentional in order to hurt or punish you due to some action you took against them? This doesn’t necessarily mean you are aware of what that action is.
• What makes this relationship worthy of forgiveness?
• Are you needing to forgive so that you can move on in your life? You can forgive (the other person does not even have to know as it is for you) and not maintain the relationship. This will help you to move on in a healthy manner.

There are no easy answers in terms of where you need to go with this. At some level, you have to work through the pain in order to move on with your life. This is very emotional and I would suggest getting the assistance of a professional.