Q: I am told that it’s good to set boundaries with a partner. Can you tell me how to do this?
A: Establishing and discussing healthy boundaries in a partnership is important so both individuals have a sense of clarity, open and honest communication. In order to have a healthy relationship, it’s essential to be clear of what you want, need, how far you will go with someone, and how far you will let them go with you. This is healthy boundary setting which encompasses a mutual respect and acceptance.
Begin with setting healthy boundaries with yourself to help establish healthy self-esteem. It’s up to you to feel responsible for your own happiness, and accepting and respecting differences in your partner. It’s healthy to accept endings, as opposed to not letting go. Healthy boundaries include having friendships outside of the relationship.
An example of unhealthy boundaries include relying on your partner for happiness or to complete you. You need to feel whole and complete with yourself. Jealousy, insecurity, lying, gaminess and manipulation are purely unhealthy. With any of these behaviors, a relationship cannot sustain.
When you’re attempting to understand a partner’s feelings, it’s good to never assume. Instead, ask them about their feelings. You’ll want to follow-through with what you say to your partner.
It’s helpful when both partners are in alignment with what they say and their actions. When this does not occur, there’s a mis-alignment and issues can develop. Both partners each need to take responsibility for their actions at all times.
If your partner chooses not to respect your boundaries, then it may be time to re-evaluate and move on.
Remember that boundary setting takes time and can be successful with both partners
willing to work at this.